inadequate

April 21, 2012

He told me he was Death and that my time was up.

How much more time do I have left ? – I asked.

“Till this candle burns down”, said Death, and then he lit a candle by my side.

“Thamasoma Jyothirgamaya”, I said.

“Mrityorma Amruthamgamaya”, said Death.

“Doesn’t that defeat your whole purpose ? I don’t understand – “

Death said, “You never did any way. You chanted it for most of your childhood without even realizing what it really meant. Do you have any last wishes ?”

“I want to pray one last time”

Death laughed, “It won’t do you any good, where you are going, there is no faith, there is no life, there are no Gods”

“I believe in my God”

“You, your beliefs, your belongings, the very ego that made you say “I” and “my” will cease to exist.”

“Well, then I want to play my guitar one last time”

“You don’t own a guitar, you always wanted to learn, you never did, you always believed you still had time and now your time’s up”

“What do people usually do when you tell them that their time is up? ” I asked Death.

“They beg, they cry, they scream”

“How am I handling it so far ?”

“Not as good as your dad”

“How did my father handle it ?”

“He smiled, and walked with me”

“Didn’t he ask any questions ?”

“No, he was happy, happy people do not ask questions.”

“Why am I waiting for the candle to burn down?”

“You can blow it up now if you want”

And with a deep breath, I –

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le wild post

April 11, 2012

11:30 AM – Riding the bike, le wild phone rings.

Me : Hello ?

Her : Hey ! been trying to call you for so long – Where are you ?

Me : Heading home, Whats up ?

Her : I am going abroad next week, thought I’d see you before I go.

Me : Sure – when ?

Her : Today evening ? May be, I am not sure, will call you when I get there.

2:00 PM

She didn’t call yet, me walking across the room, fully excited, not sure whether I want to meet her or not, I have had le wild crush on her for a long time. She is going away now, telling her now is not a good idea, even if she likes me, she still has to go – will I be sad if I meet her ? I haven’t thought of her in a while – le mixed feelings

5:00 PM – Le wild phone rings again

Her : I’m at le wild coffee place

Me : Be there in 20.

Said that as an alliteration, It did sound cool in movies. Le wild calculation – coffee place is 14km away, average speed needed 42km/hr, office traffic, accomodate for traffic lights and variable changes, average speed needed 65km/hr.

5:20 PM – Le wild coffee shop, me and her, chatting.

5:40 PM – We’re on the road, hanging out – having the best time of my life

6:02 PM

Her : You know, we should have done this long back, this is nice.

Me (silently) : I have wanted to go out with you since the first time I saw you, pi equals 3.14159265…

7:30 PM – I take her back to her place

Her : Alright, till the next time.

Me : Probably not.

Her : hmm ?

Me : It is possible that we will not see each other again…Call me before you go.

10:30 PM – Le me on phone with le friend

Le wild friend : It’s just a crush man

Me : Fuck you.

Le wild friend : Bitch please. You are not in love with her, you’ve never been in love with her, you are just sad she is leaving.

Next day morning :

Le me in the shower – Contemplating all the big things in the universe and living in a fantasy world where everything is perfect and I am with her. Runs all possible scenarios where we get together, each as unlikely as other, nothing to do here. Le wild heavyness in the chest.

10:00 AM

Le me on the phone with le wild friend

Me : I want to kill myself.

Le wild friend : How ?

Me : I am going to eat till I die.

Le wild friend : Are you buying ?

Me : No will to live anymore.

Le wild friend : Okay, you are buying – be there in an hour

1:00 PM

Le me full of junk food, still not feeling high, still not feeling better – heavy cigar – still not feeling better – If only I had known spending a couple of hours with her would hurt so much for so long.

3:00 PM

Le me writing this as a reminder to never go on good bye dates again. Ever again.

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the room

January 16, 2012

His memory had failed him, he had to struggle a lot to find that place – in the middle of nowhere, it stood there, alone and aloof, like a big condescending judgement. The last time when he was here – it was years ago. He didn’t know why he came back to that room after all these years. May be because it reminded him of a time when he was free from all worries, a much simpler time, no wife, no kids, no responsibilities and no share holders haunting his nightmares, he was alone in the world without a care, he didn’t have this high paying job for which he had sacrificed his very soul, he was broke back then, but he was happy.

He looked around, the roof looked like it would fall off any moment. He saw the words written on the wall, “this is a safe place”. He thought back about the time when she wrote that on the wall with a broken charcoal piece. He was lying down on the floor, looking at her, she was dancing around to an unsung song, some music in her head that he couldn’t hear. He tried in vain to remember her, couldn’t place her name or her face, all he remembered was the music he didn’t hear.

He slowly sat down leaning against the wall, closed his eyes, tried to remember the last time, the only time he had ever been here. It was a beautiful memory, something he vowed to never let go. The girl who came out of nowhere, the best conversation he ever had, the bite marks on his shoulders, but he still couldn’t remember what they had talked about, all he could remember was how it made him feel. She had left before he woke up the next morning and he never saw her again. If he was sure of anything in his life, it was that moment, when he knew, he would give up everything he ever had to go back to that room, that night. It made him feel young and whole again.

When they found him the next morning, he was curled up under a pile of roof tiles and debris. On the wall above him were the words – “this is a safe place”;

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A.D.D

December 25, 2011

Kate didn’t know what she wanted when she came back to her home town. A lot had changed, the old ice-cream parlour where she used to hang out with her girlfriends was now a spa, her favourite second-date movie theater had disappeared into a mall. Then she remembered that she had moved away from this place looking for spas and malls. Nothing was ever good enough for her. The hope for the warmth and nostalgia that she came craving for was turning into a shrill cry of despair. When the hard realization struck her, she wanted to cry out loud. Just stand in there and cry, in the middle of nowhere, just scream out loud. She craved for her old friends, the attention, the love and the security.

And BAM! The bitch got hit by a bus.

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A fuller stomach means higher spirits

December 14, 2011

Have you ever had to experience the hateful sting of hunger? The very thing that reminds you're nothing but a mere mortal?. For me, I've had my fair share.

I was born into a fairly rich upper middle class family, thanks to that I've had five meals a day and I was always a chubby kid. When I started earning on my own, there was this brief time I did not have many responsibilities. So I spent it mostly on adding to my waistline – owing to the fact that I've never had alcohol in my life and there was no better way to spend it at where I come from.

Things changed all of a sudden on a fateful night. I had to go out of town for a presentation and it was really late when I came back, I haven't had anything to eat that day, and since the presentation got over much later than I expected, and since I had to ride a long way through unfamiliar places, I didn't want dinner to slow me down, the hungry stomach and my sense of urgency rode my bike a lot faster than I normally would. Not long after I entered city, the night patrols stationed by the side of the road signaled me to stop, in my attempt to stop I didn't know what I did to topple my bike over, but I do remember a few good somersaults before I landed on the hard ground with a heavy thud bleeding to death. I felt a murderous pain in the back of my head, like several white hot needles being plunged in. I still have the mark.

When I came around, I was in ward 9 of a government hospital, which I would later learn from my very angry family that it is a ward where they admitted the poor and homeless, people died there everyday due to sheer starvation. I did not have anything to eat for the next day and a half, they did not give me food, they weren't obliged to. The only food I had then was half an orange shared by an unknown inmate, a small kid. Let me be realistic here, normally, I wouldn't accept to share food with an unknown, unclean kid from an unhealthy hospital environment, that was the day I realized people would do anything to avoid hunger, all of a sudden all the cliches in the novels and movies made sense, those were written by people who had known the hateful sting of hunger.

That was the worst day and half of my life, I've never felt so low before and after it, the worst experiences of my life came flashing to my mind, despite my best efforts for happy thoughts, I was hungry, I was hurt and I was alone. I couldn't even think, if I had the energy to, I would have cried out loud. When my folks turned up later that day, I was discharged and taken back to a warm bed and a hot bowl of porridge. Nothing ever tasted better than that one bowl of porridge I had, I suddenly felt right in body and mind, I was getting back to my usual cheerful self. That was also the day I realized a fuller stomach meant higher spirits.

What did I do about the inmates of ward 9 ? You'll never know, because thats not what I'm writing this about, this is about something that has a greater impact and a greater purpose than anything that I will ever be able to do. This is about Akshaya Patra. The Akshaya Patra Foundation is the largest non-profit organisation in the world to implement the school meal programme. They reach out to over 12 lakhs children in 19 locations across 9 states of India, providing them with freshly cooked meal on a day to day basis. These kids, they need food, they need higher spirits to achieve greater heights, to have a higher moral standard. They're the future. I wouldn't ask you to donate out of charity, I implore you to INVEST in the future of our country. Take one step closer to brighter future, this is something you can do. do it.

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