To my ex-girlfriends,

To the one who went all upset and fought with me when I said “If I learned anything about being in love, I learned it from my parents, still madly in love after all these years”,
No, It doesn’t mean I think you and me are not good enough, it just means they’re awesome. First off, I was just casually talking about my parents, and despite the context, you really should have been just crazy to take offence in a statement like that.

To the one who kicked my bike and called me names when I said “I dont know why I smoke”,
I still don’t know why I smoked, I guess it just felt good, but apparently that wasn’t what you wanted to hear, I’m sorry I didn’t let you try, its a hard habit to get rid of, I know it first hand. FYI, I quit.

To the one who went crazy because I gave a ride to my sister in my bike,
No, I am not really into incest and you didn’t buy me my bike, I brought it while we were going out doesn’t mean you’re the only person who’s allowed to ride with me. For crying out loud, that was my frigging sister.

To the girl who round-house-kicked me when I said I like fat girls too,
No, I really don’t have a thing for fat girls, I just lied because I didn’t want you your fat ass to be upset, I never really cared for how you looked, but I’m telling you, you are incredibly bitchy. 

To the clingy one who had a problem with my being ‘different’ with my friends,
I’m actually happy when I’m with them, I don’t have to pretend. That’s the difference.

To the one who asked Mike Tyson to kill me when I said ‘you weren’t mature enough’,
No, for the last fucking time, I wasn’t talking about your boobs, they’re all good and mature, I was just talking about the way you made a great big scene at the parking lot ATM, in front of God and everybody, because I didn’t invite you to come with me while I took money off my account. 

To the one who told me “don’t act like you are 19”
I was fucking 19 at the time, what else was I gonna do ?

To the one who said “he’s like a brother to me”
That explains why he was describing your tits in colorful details to his friends in the cafeteria, I’m sorry I misunderstood his brotherly love. 

Dedicated to all those mutual friends who asked me “What happened”. 

To the potential girlfriend : Yeah, I’m mean and I do these kind of things. I’m also a geek and I hate shopping. But the rumors about me being a sex god are, infact, true. 

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