I’ll cut to the chase, she cheated on me big time. Not quite her fault though, we were not officially in a relationship, I mean, I’m not even sure that she knew of my very existence. I once opened the door for her at the library and she gave a nod. Oh what a nod that was! It was The Nod of nods. Things were getting pretty serious and then she had to go and get engaged to what’s-his-face. Long story short, she died. Last night. In my mind, that is. I mean, she got married to where’s-his-purse.
And, here I am, sitting on my ass, being called a sigh-machine by my dear friends. No, no one is actually calling me that, primarily due to the lack of aforementioned friends. I mean, I wish somebody did, it’d be cool to have a nick name and some friends to address me with those cool nick names.
It’d be like, “Yo! sigh-machine, what up bro” and I’d be like,
“Hey, look ma! I have friends AND a nick name. Now YOU suck it!” .
I think if I had a nickname, I’ll pretend to hate it so it will stick – should note that down in my dream journal. Yes, I am the kind of guy who has a journal, like you don’t. You judgmental pricks.
I suppose y’all didn’t miss me, not even a single comment that I didn’t delete preemptively to ask whatever happened to dear old Nick. You just happily assumed that I got under a bus and died, well, if this year gets any more suckier than it already is, there is a good chance that I’ll be driving that bus.
The fallen hero mentioned in the title is, of course, 2013. Oh, 2013 What a tremendous and exciting year you were, so much happened. A lot of ex’s got married, a few named their kids after me, I finally committed to the idea of having a single job instead of freelancing. Met a lot of people, learned a new language, became ambidextrous (or atleast half way there).
2014, on the other hand, sucks 9 ways to Sunday and it’s only been a month. Today being the first of February, I’ve decided to move Valentine’s day after March 31st. You know, it should happen when people are not worried about paying taxes. It should happen at some point when people are worried about having nothing to eat because they paid taxes.
Consider this a fair warning 2014, Imma drive a bus over your sorry ass.